Rebuilding self-esteem after dealing with toxic people.

I recently received an email from someone asking about rebuilding their self-esteem after a relationship with a toxic person.

It is, unfortunately, a question that many people seem to have, so I felt it deserved its own article.

And let’s start this article in an unusual way, by doing a little exercise together.

The subjective value-exercise.

Think of something you own that’s very valuable to you.

It doesn’t matter if the value is sentimental or monetary. All that matters is that you wouldn’t sell it to someone unless they paid you a huge amount of money for it—and maybe not even then.

Now, imagine that you and I are friends, and you show it to me. I instantly decide I want it. But as we talk, you and I both start to realize that I can’t afford to pay what you would want for it.

But I don’t care whether you end up happy with the transaction—I want that item for myself, no matter what.

So, to achieve my goal, I start bad-mouthing the item and telling you over and over, practically every time I see you, that it isn’t worth what you’re asking.

I claim that I know more about your thing than you do. That there’s something wrong with it. That it’s broken or of low quality. And I insist that you should sell it to me for fifty bucks, and consider yourself lucky that I’m offering even that much!

Would that convince you to sell it to me for fifty bucks?

Of course not.

You'd recognize that I had an ulterior motive. That I was trying to manipulate you into giving me something valuable by convincing you it wasn't valuable at all.

And I’m guessing that even if I were nice, caring, and a good friend to you in general, this repeated behavior of mine would likely force you to reconsider your trust in and love for me.

In the context of a toxic relationship, that priceless thing, of course, is your self-esteem.

You should no more easily part with it just because someone else is trying to make it feel worth less than it is, than you would your house or your kidney.

Toxic people’s manipulative tactic.

Getting us to part with something as priceless as our self-worth, for next to nothing, is exactly what toxic people try to make us do.

The problem is that, sometimes, it can be hard to see that they’re trying to manipulate us, especially if our judgment is clouded by the feelings we have for them or they’re in a position of power.

And toxic people rarely start by attacking our self-worth five minutes after meeting us.

Instead, they build trust first. They make us feel special. They position themselves as someone whose opinion matters.

Then, slowly, they start chipping away. A small criticism here. A backhanded compliment there.

They create doubt where there was none. They make us question things about ourselves that we never questioned before. And unless we stay on our toes, we risk falling for these manipulations before we even realize what's happening.

To both minimize the risk of falling for this ploy in the first place and to rebuild our self-esteem if we already have, it’s important that we understand the true nature of toxic opinions.

Toxic opinions are not honest assessments.

Here’s what I need you to know:

Toxic people's opinions about you have nothing to do with your actual worth—or objective truth.

Toxic people don't attack your self-esteem because they see something that’s wrong with you. They do it because making you feel small serves their goals.

Whether it’s control, power, or feeding their own broken ego—their behavior is about them, not you.

And keeping their ulterior motive in mind is just as important as it would be if I tried to buy your house or kidney for whatever was in my wallet. Or if a used car salesman told you the smoke billowing from an engine during your test drive was "totally normal.”

Toxic people’s words and actions aren't honest assessments of who you are. They're tools designed to serve the toxic person’s own needs.

Who to listen to when you rebuild.

Knowing this intellectually is one thing. Fully accepting it and truly feeling it is another.

That's why rebuilding self-esteem after toxic relationships tends to require work. The adage that time heals all wounds tends not to be true in these cases, unless we put in some active effort during that time.

So instead of waiting for things to pass on their own, please participate actively in your own recovery.

Start by figuring out which people’s opinions deserve your attention and consideration, and which don't.

The person trying to tear you down to serve their own needs? Their opinion can’t count because it is rooted only in their own selfish motives.

The person who consistently shows they have your best interests at heart? That's someone worth listening to.

Talk to them. Hear what they have to say about you. And when you disagree with their positive opinions about you, take some time to reflect on where you got your opinions from. If they have any association with a toxic person at all, you can’t trust that they are correct.

Building healthy self-esteem from within.

Even more important than anyone else’s is your opinion of yourself. And it shouldn’t be based on external feedback or comparisons, but rather on the only thing that should truly matter: how you live up to your own morals and values.

Think about it this way:

If you knew someone who always did their best to do the right thing—even if they occasionally failed—would you value that person highly?

My guess, based on the countless people I’ve asked this, is that you would. You might even admire or idolize them, or at the very least think of them as a genuinely good person.

So when you do your best to live by your own morals and values, you have to start thinking of yourself as a worthwhile person—as someone you value highly. Not doing so is the same as saying that you love ice cream, but only ice cream that isn’t yours.

And when we base our self-worth on our own values in this way, rather than on what others say about us, toxic people’s manipulation will become far less effective on us, often even to such a degree that we become practically immune to it.

The truth about moving forward.

There is, of course, much more to explore on this topic, but since this is supposed to be an article and not a book, I’ll wrap this up for now.

If you want to dive deeper, please do. This link will give you free access to my online course “Create Healthy Self-Esteem: Know your worth” for 24 hours (Premium LinkedIn members always have free access), all you need is a regular LinkedIn account.

The course doesn’t deal directly with toxic people, but it is full of strategies, techniques, and exercises that will help you improve your self-esteem on your terms and from within.