How to deal with groups that ignore you

What do you do if you’re new in a group where people ignore you or refuse to consider your thoughts?

I recently received this question from someone who had taken one of my courses, and it’s one I get regularly enough that I figured more people might be interested in my answer.

First, let’s acknowledge one thing: this is an uncomfortable spot to be in.

In a well-known study, 1,486 people from 62 countries participated in a simple online game where they tossed a digital ball with two other “players.” They didn’t know, however, that the other two players were controlled by the computer, and that some participants would be purposefully left out of the game.

It was a silly, pointless game with online strangers. But even so, the more people were left out, the worse they felt about themselves. They reported less sense of control and a weaker sense of belonging. And in a follow-up study, the researchers also found that those who had been left out were more likely to hold back their own opinions and go along with the others on a group task.

In other words, being ignored doesn’t just hurt. It can also stop us from speaking up, even when we disagree with something.

So what should we do when this happens? Well, the answer depends partly on whether it’s a group you’ve chosen or been assigned to.

If you chose the group

If it’s a group you’ve freely chosen to be a part of, and the strategies below for taking up space don’t quickly turn things around, my advice is simple:

Start working on building a new group of friends who are more mature and inclusive.

When a group purposefully ignores newcomers, they’re showing you how they treat people—and it isn’t with respect. This is likely not the kind of group that will help you enjoy life, and you don’t owe them anything.

So why should you try the strategies below at all? Well, you don’t have to. But sometimes people just aren’t sure how to connect with newcomers. Or they’re held back by their own insecurities, or influenced by one strong, disrespectful person in the group.

The techniques below can often break through these obstacles. They show the group how to connect with you, or that your presence makes it worth overcoming whatever’s holding them back.

So feel free to give the group the benefit of the doubt—but not for too long.

If the group is mandatory

Then there are “mandatory” groups. The people at your new job, your in-laws, your partner’s friends, a team you’re working with, clients you're serving, and so on. Here, walking away is often not realistic, or at least not easy or quick.

In these groups, you have to make a decision. Is it worth “fighting” your way into this group? Or can you emotionally detach from it, and only interact with it when you have to?

You don’t necessarily, for example, have to spend as much time with your partner’s friends as they do. And you might reduce your relationship with that cliquey group at work to only include the actual work you do together, and find social fulfillment elsewhere.

But either way, when you do choose to engage with them—whether on those rare occasions when you have to or while claiming space in the group—assertive communication is key.

Assertive, not aggressive

Please keep in mind that being assertive is not the same as being aggressive or combative.

It’s not about fighting others, always being right, or calling all the shots. It’s about assertively communicating your thoughts and opinions, while also listening to others’.

Researchers Daniel Ames and Francis Flynn did a series of studies, looking at how people rated their colleagues’ leadership skills. The results showed that both those who were very unassertive and those who were overly assertive were seen as less effective leaders.

Too little assertiveness leads to people not being seen or heard, and too much damages their relationships with others.

So the most effective approach is somewhere in the middle. We’re clear, firm, and calm. And we also listen to and consider what others have to say.

How? Here are a few key tips:

Speak clearly and strongly enough to be heard.

When we speak quietly or hesitantly, it’s easy for others to talk over us—even when they don’t mean to. So practice speaking as if the people you’re talking to are standing 3 ft/1 m farther away from you than they are, and put some determination into your voice.

Don’t wait for “the right time” to speak.

Feeling like an outsider often makes people wait for a long enough silence in the conversation that it feels natural and unobtrusive to say something. In group conversations, especially those that include excited or strong voices, that very rarely happens.

Instead, practice jumping into the conversation more often and without waiting. And if you want some tips on how to do that, check out this article on my website.

Address people directly.

It’s hard for most of us to ignore our own name. So when you address one of the active people in the conversation by name, you’re more likely to get both their attention and the group’s. “Frank, I have a question about that. What …”

Ask questions.

This might be the best tip for those who find it hard to assertively claim space in a conversation.

It turns out that even if someone is hesitant to listen to you, they’re often happy to let you listen to them. By (assertively) asking someone a question, you instantly become a central part of that conversation for the time it takes them to answer. And a follow-up question or two keeps you there even longer.

Over time, this will often make people feel used to, and comfortable with, your participation in the group. And that makes them more likely to start including you.

Check out my article “Questions that make people listen” for more on this.

If they don't include you—include yourself

A large review of studies, combining 70 groups of new hires at various workplaces, supports this strategy.

The review found that the people who actively engaged with their new workplace, rather than waiting to be invited or included, tended to adjust better and feel more accepted by their new colleagues.

Waiting politely to be invited in tends to keep you on the outside longer. But showing up and engaging directly with people tends to bring you in faster—at least when the cold shoulder wasn’t intentional.

And keep in mind that this change doesn’t usually happen overnight. It can take time for people to update their picture of you, change who they habitually talk to, and so on. But every time you assert yourself in an engaged and respectful way, you’re speeding up that process and teaching them how to treat you.

I hope this helps!
-TJ

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