How to teach people how to treat you

Does it ever seem like others might see who you are, how you feel, and what you want with a glance in your direction?

That whether you feel confident or nervous, are interested or bored, want to connect or be left alone, is written on your forehead in neon lights?

It’s a common feeling, but it’s inaccurate.

In reality, people don’t really see how you feel, only what you do. And, more than anything, that’s what tells them how to interact with you.

So if you want people—especially new people you meet—to treat you a certain way, the most effective way to do that is through your behavior.

Showing people how to treat you

Long before you say a word, your behavior is already telling people how to treat you.

If you convincingly act confident, people will see and treat you as confident and be more likely to engage with you. If you stay quiet, people will assume you’re a quiet person and be less likely to engage with you. If you behave playfully, you’ll probably get playfulness in return, and if you’re serious, seriously is how most people will act around you.

I could go on, but I’m guessing you get my point.

One of the many experiments that have confirmed this aimed to find out if different amounts of talking would affect how others saw and treated someone.

The researchers had small groups solve a problem together, but secretly planted a person whose job was to talk either a little or a lot. And the secret plant never changed his opinions or arguments, only how much he talked about them.

The results were clear: the more he talked, the more competent he was rated by his teammates.

Another experiment found that when a guest speaker was seen as “warm”, 56% of the audience joined the group discussion afterward, versus 32% when he was seen as cold.

Yet another found that how much someone participates in groups predicts whether they're treated as a leader, more so than intelligence or personality does.

All these findings, and more, tell us that the best way we can influence how people interact with us is to display the kind of behavior that invites the treatment we want.

Choosing the right behaviors

When I mention this at my seminars or workshops, I’m often asked, “But how do I know which behavior invites which treatment?”

Generally speaking, you can assume that behavior mirrors behavior.

If you act withdrawn and quiet in a group setting, for example, most people will treat you as a quiet person. Meaning that they’re less likely to include you in conversation, engage you directly, or seek you out for a 1-on-1 conversation.

If you make an effort to include others, most people will assume that it’s safe to include you more. And if you’re curious about someone, they’re more likely to be curious about you.

The principle is simple: Don’t wait for others to treat you the way you hope to be treated. Instead, start behaving toward others the way you want them to behave toward you.

It won’t work every time, of course, since other people have their own insecurities, personalities, moods, interests, and agendas. But this will get you the kind of interactions you want far more often than crossing your fingers ever will.

A simple exercise

You're showing people how to treat you whether you mean to or not, so you might as well be purposeful about it.

And if this is something you want to practice, here’s a simple way to do that:

Think of an upcoming situation where you’ll be around someone—an individual or any size group—who doesn’t know you well. Then, come up with one small behavior you’d like to try to inspire them to show toward you.

Pick something small and simple for this first experiment. Deciding that you want someone you don’t know to fall in love with you and treat you as royalty isn’t likely to work very well. But seeing if you can create a little more laughter than usual, be asked a personal question by someone who usually doesn’t, or similar, just might.

Then, figure out what kind of behavior is most likely to encourage that thing (let me know in the comments if you need any help), and get yourself ready to display it. And keep in mind that the point isn’t to fake a behavior, but to do your best to get yourself into the mood that accompanies it so that your expression becomes natural and real.

When the situation arrives, lead with that behavior from the very start of the conversation, and stick to it for as long as it seems appropriate—whether that’s just for a few minutes until the meeting starts, or throughout the whole dinner—and watch for the treatment you were after, even if it’s just a hint of it.

I’ve done this exercise with my clients for years, and most of them are surprised by how much easier this is than they had imagined—as soon as they get over any feelings of awkwardness.

PS: Dealing with bad behavior

Though this article is about casual, everyday behavior, it can also be used to adjust minor unwanted behaviors.

By, for example, responding to a childish insult with a brief look that suggests just how immature you thought that comment was before turning your attention elsewhere, you make it less likely that they will repeat the behavior.

But we should also not hesitate to address such behavior directly, and if you want to learn more about how to do that, click here to take a look at one of my previous articles.

All the best,
TJ

‍

‍