Questions that make people listen

How can asking questions be one of the best ways to get others to really consider your ideas and opinions?

Most people think that maybe it inspires others to ask questions in return. And it might, with some people in some settings, but there is a lot more at play that make questions a powerful tool for influence.

Let’s take a look at a few studies that explain both the cause and effect, and then talk about how to use this knowledge in our everyday lives, both at work and at home.

How questions win deals and dates.

Many studies have documented the effects of asking more questions.

In one study, for example, 430 strangers were paired off to chat with each other online for 15 minutes, with one in each pair secretly either being instructed to ask at least nine questions or to ask at most four.

After the chat, the other person rated how much they liked the person who had been given those instructions, and the results clearly showed that those who asked more questions were liked more. They were rated as better listeners, and more understanding, validating, and caring than those who asked fewer questions.

Another study, this one involving 110 speed-daters, supported this finding by showing that those who asked more questions were far more likely to be chosen for a second date than those who asked fewer.

In the business world, one experiment based on difficult negotiations for the sale of commercial property found that 42% of the sellers who asked the potential buyers for advice on how to meet the sellers’ own goals closed a deal, versus only 8% of those who only pushed hard to get the highest possible price.

And finally, research on a North Carolina salesforce by organizational psychologist Adam Grant revealed that among top salespeople, the “givers”, those who were genuinely interested in learning about their customers (and therefore asked significantly more questions than others) averaged about 50% more annual revenue than their colleagues.

These studies concluded that asking someone for advice, opinions, or knowledge makes them feel valued and flattered. It can turn people from opponents or critics to collaborators, and make people feel more committed to supporting you and your goals.

In addition, asking questions relevant to your goals helps you understand the other person better. And you can use that knowledge to come up with pitches, suggestions, or arguments that are tailored to that person’s needs and wants.

Questions as a habit, not a strategy.

These numbers are all impressive, especially since they are mostly based on one-time conversations, negotiations, or sales. But asking questions is equally—if not more—important as a habit in our ongoing relationships.

Even with the “easy people” in our lives (those we rarely have disagreements with, and when we do, they’re easily resolved), this habit is important. It lets us build what clinical psychologist John Gottman calls “Love Maps”, an ongoing knowledge of each other's inner world, which is shown to help relationships thrive.

And with the more difficult people, it can completely change the way they respond to us when disagreements or difficult conversations come up.

By showing a genuine interest in what our arrogant, domineering, or chatterbox colleague has to say, even when we’re not trying to negotiate or persuade, they’re far more likely to give us space to speak when discussions or disagreements happen.

And by being curious about the lives of our drama-loving friend, stubborn dad, or hardheaded child on a day-to-day basis, we greatly increase the likelihood that they’ll actually listen when we need to talk about more difficult things.

It’s also important to remember that although using questions as a strategic tool can work in one-off conversations, in our ongoing relationships, it won’t take long before people start catching on. And when they do, your questions are more likely to make them more resistant than responsive.

But by making questions and listening a normal part of your interactions, you won’t just win people over through the mechanisms I mentioned earlier. You’ll also be doing what’s called prosocial modeling. You’ll lead by example by continuously modeling the behavior we want to inspire in others.

In short, it’s hard to inspire others to listen to you if they feel like you don’t listen to them. So build the habit of being genuinely curious about the people around you on an ongoing basis. And when disagreements come up, lead with questions before you argue against others’ opinions.

So if this is something you’d like to work on, here’s an exercise that has worked wonders for me:

Before meeting up with a friend or colleague, sitting down for a meal with family, going to a social event, or whatever—take 5-10 minutes to think about what you’re genuinely interested in learning about the people you’ll meet.

It could be simple things, like how things are going with their work, family, or pets, to more personal, complicated, or even unexpected and unusual topics*. Write a list of the things you think of, put the ones you feel comfortable asking about at the top, and decide to ask at least 5 of those during the conversation.

All the best,
TJ

*Lately, I’ve been having fun asking my friends to tell me something about their life before I met them that I don’t know about. It’s spawned multiple great conversations and given me several little fun facts about some of my closest friends.

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