Becoming comfortable speaking up in group conversations

Struggling to speak up in group settings is a more common challenge than most people think. 

For many, it can be especially hard when:

• It’s a group of people they’re not close to.
• There are authority figures present. 
• There are people there who love the sound of their own voice.

The most common challenges.

Among the reasons people give when I ask what makes this hard for them are things like never finding the right moment, not wanting to interrupt, or being worried people won’t listen.

But these are all what we call limiting beliefs. Beliefs that hold us back, even though they aren't true or necessary.

The idea that we need to wait for “the right moment”, for example, is faulty. It’s rare in groups that a moment of silence happens just at the moment you think of something to say—or in any of the following moments, for that matter.

Not wanting to interrupt is considerate, of course. But in conversations between more than two people, interruptions are part of the norm. In fact, generally speaking, they’re only considered rude if you interrupt people mid-way through what they’re saying, as opposed to right at the beginning or end.

(I know that one sounds wrong for many, but pay attention to how others interrupt each other in the next discussion you’re in, and I think you’ll be surprised.)

And anyone who respects you will listen when you speak (even if they don’t agree), as long as you speak up clearly enough to show them that you have something to say. And if they don’t respect you enough to listen to what you have to say, it might be time to reconsider whether it’s the right group for you to be in.

The good news is that we can overcome all of these—along with most of the other common issues—by doing the same simple exercise. Let’s talk about how.

How to get comfortable speaking in groups

The solution is simple: start small and build bigger.

When I was in college, I had a part-time job that I loved, working alongside a bunch of people I liked (and a couple I didn’t). But still, in our monthly meetings, I struggled to speak up. 

My coach at the time suggested I begin by just making short, supportive sounds such as "yes" or "absolutely" when I agreed with something, even if someone else was talking. After all, it wouldn’t interrupt anyone, at least not for more than a second, and who wouldn’t appreciate that kind of support?

As soon as I started doing it, it was clear that nothing bad was going to happen. In fact, most of the time, the person I was supporting hardly seemed to react at all.

Once that started feeling comfortable, I went one step further by asking simple questions that either showed support or asked the person talking to talk more. 

• “Sorry, could you repeat those numbers?”
• “So it sounds like the event was a success?”
• “How did you get so many people to attend?”

Again, the thinking was that no one would be annoyed by questions like these, even if I did interrupt them. And they weren’t. I was also hardly ever talked over or ignored—and when I was, even I could tell it was because I had spoken too quietly. 

The next step was to start fully participating—even when I disagreed with something. 

To get myself started, I practiced opening with rhetorical questions or supportive statements similar to the questions above—since I was already comfortable with those—and followed it up with what I really wanted to say.

To my surprise, people immediately made room for what I had to say, no one got offended when I disagreed, and no one was upset that I spoke up. 

Even when I accidentally interrupted someone before they had finished their point, it never caused a conflict; they just made me aware that they had more to say and continued on. And often, when they were done, they would turn their attention to me to let me speak.

Your exercise, summed up.

Whenever you’re in a group setting where you normally struggle to speak up, start practicing by making short, supportive statements like “yes”, “agreed”, “exactly”, “absolutely”, or whatever makes sense to you. Keep doing this until it becomes easy and (mostly) comfortable. 

When it does, start asking simple questions that either highlight something positive, ask someone to explain or repeat something, or whatever’s comfortable enough that you’re reliably able to do it.

Again, keep going until that becomes somewhat comfortable, and take the next step by adding more of your own opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and so on.

Do this every chance you get, and eventually you’ll become comfortable fully speaking your mind in practically any group you’re in. It might even become fun to do!