When you truly understand rejection, you’ll eventually stop being afraid of it. So let's dive deeper into the facts and psychology behind rejection, and help you stop worrying about it once and for all.
At least a couple of times a week - whether it’s in my Facebook group, via emails or coaching calls, or it's a student on one of my online courses - someone asks a question about how to deal with rejection.
Certainly, the feeling of rejection is not a lot of fun.
We can feel rejected as a person. As a friend, a romantic partner, an employee, and all kinds of other things.
And the main reason most people struggle with it is that they don’t truly understand what rejection is really about.
Most people believe that getting a rejection says something about who they are as a person. That it means they’re not “good enough” - whether that means not smart enough, not important enough, not funny enough, or whatever.
But that’s not what rejection is. At least not in the vast majority of cases.
In most cases, people are rejecting a situation – and not a person.
If the rejection comes from someone who doesn't know you well, this should be pretty obvious. After all, they don't truly know you, so their lack of interest isn't about you but about how they imagine that you might or might not fit whatever they want for themselves.
But this is also true for people who already know you well.
How? Well, the reason they know you well is that they've chosen to interact with you over and over again. Which means that the odds of them actually disliking you is very low - unless they're social masochists.
So the reason they say no isn't because of you, but because the thing they're saying no to doesn't fit whatever they want for themselves.
The only ones who can reject us as a person are our very closest people. The ones we’ve been truly honest and genuine with. And that's only if they reject us in a way that ends their relationship with us.
And if that happens, what we should focus on is what changed and whether that is something that we want to work on, or if we simply grew apart from each other over time.
Does that make sense so far?
When two people meet – for any reason and in any circumstance – there’s a lot more going on than who they are.
Yes, both are part of the situation that is being created, but only a small part of it.
Other things play an equally large role, like for example:
Other people or distractions around us play a part too. Any alcohol or other intoxicants play a huge role. How much energy they have, what mood they’re in, whether they're hungry or not, and so on, also does.
If you, for example, walk up to a stranger at a dinner party or work conference to start a conversation with them, you can only control a small part of that interaction. You can, to some extent, control what you say and do. But that’s about it.
You can’t control what’s going on in their mind, in their day, in their emotions. And since you can’t control any of those things, you also can’t hold yourself responsible for them.
In most cases, what happens isn't that one person is being rejected. Rather, it's that there's a simple incompatibility issue between what each person wants, needs, or is experiencing.
Now granted, if you walk up to a stranger and say something rude you can expect them to reject you - and that will be mostly on you.
But as long as you’re acting within what’s genuine for you, you’re doing what you can do to attract those who are compatible with you.
Remember, if you are communicating in a way that’s right for you and the stranger doesn’t like it – they are showing you that they are not right for you.
Why would you need acceptance from someone you can’t be yourself around? Why would you want a yes from someone if that’s only going to lead to a bad long-term experience?
So if that stranger doesn’t want to talk to you, you can not take that as feedback on yourself as a person. That would be completely unreasonable since there are way too many factors influencing their decision that you have no control over, like
All of these things and more will influence their decision about whether or not they want to get to know you better.
But still, the only thing people seem to think in that situation is, “They don’t like me. I’m not good enough.”
If you start to pay attention to what I’ve described in this article, all of this will start to change for you.
From now on, whenever you see a rejection happen – whether it happens to you, a friend of yours, or a stranger that you just happened to notice – think about all the other factors you can see playing a part in that particular event.
Once you start reminding yourself of this regularly, you'll get better and better at noticing all these factors. Over time it will become more and more obvious to you that rejection is very rarely about the people and almost always about the circumstances.
Spend a little time practicing this, and that horrible feeling that often comes along with rejection will start to disappear.
Hi, I'm TJ Guttormsen.
Since 2009 I’ve coached clients ranging from Olympic gold medalists and billionaires, to people who simply want more out life.
I’ve done over 100 national media appearances, published books, and created online courses that have earned several “Highest Rated” titles from their 11 000+ members.
Today I coach clients from all over the world, and teach seminars for business and events from my home in Las Vegas.
Come join me in my Facebook group, follow my Instagram, or subscribe to my YouTube channel for fresh content on a regular basis.