How to network when you're not the loudest in the room

Someone recently asked me a question that I suspect many can relate to.

They described themselves as quiet and shy, and said they worked in an industry full of loudmouths.

They often found themselves in loud, busy settings where people practically talked over each other, and where building a relationship with senior management felt almost impossible.

Now, there’s no doubt that this is a challenging situation for more people than you might imagine.

But the conclusion many people draw from it—that you have to become the loudest person in the room to get noticed—isn’t true.

So let’s talk about two things that can make a big difference.

Loudmouths aren’t always preferred—just easier

Here’s a little-known secret: In many cases, it’s not that senior leaders genuinely prefer talking to the loud extraverts over everyone else. It’s just that it’s usually a lot easier to do.

Keeping a conversation going takes more energy than simply participating in one—especially for people who already have a lot on their plates. So when someone else is happy to take the lead and do most of the talking, many will often stay in that conversation longer than in one where they have to be the one to keep things going.

That’s not a preference for loudness. It’s a preference for ease.

And that means we don’t have to become the person who talks the most if we want to connect with people. We just have to make it easy (and preferably interesting) for them to stay in the conversation with us.

How? By using one of the most powerful tools in our communication toolbelt: questions.

Leading the conversation from behind

I think of this as “leading the conversation from behind.”

Instead of carrying the conversation by talking, you carry it by asking people about things they enjoy talking about—what’s important to them, their interests, what they’re excited about, current events relevant to them, and so on.

Once you get someone talking about something they care about, they’ll usually end up doing most of the talking, but still feel like it’s an easy conversation since they know exactly what to say.

In a series of studies, Harvard researchers found that talking about ourselves activates brain regions associated with reward.

In one of the experiments, people repeatedly chose between answering questions about their own opinions, someone else’s opinions, or trivia—with each option paying a slightly different small amount of money. On average, people gave up nearly 20% of what they could have earned, just to talk about themselves more.

In other words, when you give someone the chance to talk about themselves, you’re offering them something they’re literally willing to pay for.

So your task becomes:

• Thinking about what someone might want to talk about.
• Coming up with questions about those things.
• Showing that you’re genuinely interested in the answers.

By paying close attention and asking follow-up questions, you can easily create long and meaningful conversations where you say very little and the other person says a lot.

And I don’t think I have to explain why people are more likely to enjoy that conversation with you than a conversation with someone loud who mostly talks about what they want to talk about. Do I?

Overcoming loudness

But how do you get enough space in the conversation to ask these questions, if you’re surrounded by loud and outgoing people?

Most who struggle with this tell me something like, “Jumping into those conversations just isn’t me. It feels rude. And I never know when to do it.”

I used to struggle a lot with this myself. It felt uncomfortable taking part in the talking-over-each-other dynamic, and I genuinely preferred to listen in those situations.

Eventually, though, I learned two things:

1. When everyone is doing it, it’s not rude.
2. I could listen while still being a noticeable part of the conversation—and minimize the time spent “fighting” to speak—by asking questions.

I learned to inject myself into these conversations the same way I learned to speak up in groups—starting small and building up step by step. I describe the process in this article.

Research also suggests that stepping outside our natural style isn’t as exhausting as many fear.

In two studies, researchers measured people’s personalities and then randomly assigned them to act either introverted or extraverted during group tasks.

Acting extraverted boosted people’s mood, even for the introverts who were acting against type, and it didn’t increase negative feelings. In fact, when all groups were given a demanding mental task to work on later, the only ones whose performance suffered were extraverts who had been asked to act quiet or shy.

The truth is that “it isn’t me” often says more about which skills we have practiced than about who we are or what’s natural for us.

Your exercise

Before your next networking event:

1. Think of two or three people you’d like to connect with. Write down a few things they might enjoy talking about, with a question or two for each topic.
2. When you get the chance, approach these people with one of those questions—or, in a busy group, use one as your way into the conversation.
3. Do your best to ask at least two follow-up questions about whatever they tell you before you share much about yourself.

You might not be able to ask too many of your questions the first few times you do this. But keep practicing. Once this becomes easy, you’ll not just compete with the loud and outgoing people—you’ll surpass them.

Thoughts, questions, or comments? Please share!

All the best,
TJ

💻 Learn more: Check out my LinkedIn Learning courses about communication, confidence, and self-esteem.

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