How to listen better: Understanding process vs solution communication styles

His face had gone white, he was staring off into space, and he was about to teach me a lesson that changed how I do my workshops.

“Martin”, a software engineer, was one of five attendees at a workshop I taught back in 2011. He was ambitious, had recently become single, and wanted to improve his confidence and communication skills for both work and play.

“Martin? Are you still with us?” I asked gently, since something was clearly going on for him.

He blinked, “I just realized why my relationship ended.”

The group and I had just discussed how understanding the difference between process-oriented and solution-oriented people could improve our listening skills.

It was a topic I considered helpful, but not critically important, and, roughly speaking, I had spent a few minutes explaining that:

Process-oriented people tend to talk about their challenges so they can vent, talk things through, or elicit compassion, support, or empathy—rather than to problem-solve.

(Not to be confused with problem-oriented people, whose primary goal is neither to find empathy nor solutions, but reasons for why they can’t or shouldn’t try to solve their issue.)

Solution-oriented people, on the other hand, tend to discuss challenges in order to problem-solve and (often quickly) find answers or solutions.

We all fall somewhere between these two extremes, and our tendencies might also vary a bit depending on the circumstances. But, generally speaking, we tend to lean more towards one than the other.

And this can cause a lot of friction.

When a process-oriented and a solution-oriented person discuss their challenges with one another, the solution-oriented one can seem disinterested in listening, unsympathetic, and maybe even patronizing to the process-oriented person, if they start suggesting solutions too quickly.

Meanwhile, the solution-oriented person might feel like the process-oriented one isn’t interested in offering or accepting help, that they focus on the wrong things, or that they’re trying to placate or distract from the issue.

“Our big fight that we had over and over again,” Martin continued, “was her accusing me of not listening to her or caring about her problems. Which I thought was completely unfair since I felt like all I did was try to help, but she never listened to my advice.”

Martin’s ex was process-oriented. She wasn’t looking for solutions. She was looking for someone to listen to and empathise with her experiences. So when Martin instead offered solutions as soon as he saw them, she felt like he wasn’t interested in listening and trying to brush her off.

Martin, on the other hand, was very solution-oriented, so the second he felt like he had enough information to suggest a fix, he did. And when his ex tried to keep talking about a situation Martin felt he had already solved, he felt like she was ignoring his advice and not really interested in his thoughts.

Their problem wasn’t poor listening or low interest—but a lack of understanding of how the other person thought and communicated.

When we’re aware of this challenge, a simple solution presents itself: all we have to do is communicate about this difference when we discover it.

It can be as simple as asking someone who is sharing a challenge with you whether they’d like you to simply listen and be supportive, or to brainstorm potential solutions with them.

And if they ask for the opposite of what your natural inclination is, consider it an opportunity to improve and expand your communication skills while showing up for that person in a way they’ll value and appreciate.

Seeing Martin’s reaction to something that I had considered helpful-but-not-critical taught me to never underestimate how impactful even the smallest new insight can be for an individual.

Until that workshop, I designed my curriculum based on what was important for most people. But ever since, I’ve made a point of tailoring all of my workshops to the individuals that attend—rather than to the group as a whole. And it has made a huge difference in their results.

PS: Martin is a pseudonym used to protect his privacy.