The 5-second trick that improves important conversations

Want to get more out of your important conversations?

There’s nothing wrong with letting casual conversations flow naturally, of course. But when it comes to the conversations that actually matter, winging it rarely gets us what we need.

Luckily, there’s a simple thing we can do before the conversation even starts that greatly improves the odds that we’ll get what we want: Setting an intention.

How do we set an intention?

Setting an intention for a conversation simply means to take a moment to focus on what you want to get out of it.

• What is your goal for the conversation?
• How would you like to communicate, and why?
• What information do you need to get or give?
• What initiative could move things where you want them?

Asking yourself questions like these will both help focus your mind on what’s important and often give you a much better idea of what to say and how to say it, too.

Why setting your intention works so well

When we don't set an intention, we tend to go into autopilot mode. We notice the same things we usually do, say what we usually say, and act how we usually act. Which is fine for everyday casual conversations—but not when the goal of a conversation is outside of the results we usually get.

However, when we take a few moments to focus on what our goal is, we prime our minds to find opportunities to move the conversation in the right direction.

This happens because of what’s called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brain, which is the “filter” that decides what to bring to your conscious attention and what to ignore. Put simply, its job is to filter everything you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell, pick out what it believes is important, and send that information to your awareness.

And setting an intention is basically the same as telling RAS which criteria it should use to determine what’s important and what’s not.

So if your intention is to sell something, you'll start noticing moments where you can introduce your product. If your intention is to get advice, you'll find yourself asking better questions. If your intention is to understand someone's perspective, you'll listen more carefully.

RAS acts like a compass, keeping you oriented toward your destination even when the conversation takes unexpected turns.

Building the habit of getting the right results

Building a habit of setting intentions for your important conversations is as simple as reminding yourself to do it over and over again, until you no longer need the reminder.

The easiest way to start is to regularly map out your upcoming important conversations. Then put post-its in strategic places, set reminders or alarms on your phone or in your calendar, or whatever will best remind you to set your intention right before the conversation starts.

Before you walk into a meeting, take a breath and ask yourself: “What do I want to accomplish here?”

Before you make a phone call, pause and think: “What's my goal for this call?”

Before you sit down with your partner to discuss something, remind yourself: “What outcome am I hoping for?”

You might be surprised how much of a difference such a simple practice can make.

So ask yourself, which conversations are yougoing to approach more intentionally in the coming days?