Addressing unacceptable behavior: when, why, and how

A stranger cuts in line ahead of you. A colleague talks down to you in a meeting. A friend treats you rudely. Do you say something, or let it go?

In a study where researchers asked women whether they’d say something to a man who made a sexist remark, 81% said they would.

But when the researchers created a situation where a man made a sexist remark during a group project, only 45% of the women involved said anything, and only 15% addressed it directly.

Why? Everyone can have different reasons, of course, but it often comes from either not feeling safe or comfortable enough in the situation to speak up, or not being sure whether it’s right to, or how to.

So let’s talk about the when, why, and how of addressing bad behavior.

When to speak up, and when not to

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide when to speak up. But there are a couple of scenarios where it’s usually better not to, and one skill that will help us speak up more often when we should.

Minor transgressions that aren’t likely to happen again.

If a stranger bumps into you on the bus and glances at you as if it was your fault instead of apologizing, or a stressed friend accidentally annoys you in a way they’re very unlikely to repeat, it’s often best to let it go.

In situations like these, a confrontation is unlikely to create any lasting change since there’s nothing permanent about the experience. And learning to actually let go of these moments—not obsess about them and let them ruin your day, but to truly let them go—is a skill worth building on its own.

Situations where speaking up would be unsafe.

If speaking up about bad behavior has a realistic chance of putting you in an unsafe situation, for example with an aggressive or potentially violent person, your safety should be your priority.

This doesn’t, of course, mean that you should accept unwanted behavior from someone in your life who scares you. If this is a regular occurrence, please seek out the help of a third party to resolve the situation or get away from that person.

Learn the difference between unsafe and uncomfortable.

That said, in many situations it can be hard to see the difference between unsafe and uncomfortable situations.

In short, unsafe means that there’s an actual, potential threat to your safety. And uncomfortable, in this context, means that any consequences of speaking up are minor, not safety-related, and likely to pass within a short period of time.

It might, for example, feel unsafe to address a colleague's comment in a meeting if we worry about social consequences. And the truth is that there might be some. Studies show that people who speak up are sometimes seen as a little less warm, or a little more difficult. (And, frustratingly, this effect can be bigger for women than for men.)

But these consequences are, in most situations, unlikely to affect your actual safety, have a significant effect on your life, or be permanent.

And on the other side of that coin, those who address bad behavior are also often more respected, seen as more competent, and taken more seriously—as long as the issue is addressed in the right way.

Why it's worth speaking up

There are, of course, many reasons to speak up about unwanted behavior, but here are three of the big ones.

Unaddressed behavior tends to repeat and harden.

What you let slide in week one often quietly becomes the accepted norm by week three. Allowing your colleague to repeatedly interrupt you during the first meeting on a new project means they’ll likely keep doing it. And addressing it on day one rather than several weeks down the line tends to be easier and more effective.

Tolerated behavior is expensive.

The thing you “let go” often keeps costing you. Research on workplace rudeness found that among people on the receiving end:

• 80% lost work time ruminating on what happened
• 63% lost time by actively trying to avoid the person afterward
• Nearly 50% deliberately dialed back their effort after feeling rudely treated
• And even those who observed someone be rude to someone else performed 25–30% worse afterward

Staying quiet might feel more comfortable and freeing than speaking up, but you usually pay for it in stress, distraction, or resentment.

Speaking up actually changes behavior in most cases.

This is the part people underestimate most, but plenty of research shows that addressing behavior does usually change it, regardless of who did it.

In one experiment, researchers had two people work on an exercise together. One was the actual test subject, while the other was secretly working with the researchers.

The test subject was shown a series of photos of people in various situations and asked to make quick assumptions about the people, and the photos were selected to make it likely that some of these snap judgments would likely be based on stereotypes about things like ethnicity.

Whenever a research subject fell for the trap, the collaborator addressed it in various ways, from gentle (”Maybe think of this one in a different way.”) to blunt (”That’s offensive!”). Compared to a control group where the test subjects were not confronted, those who were instantly adjusted their behavior and made far fewer snap judgments based on stereotypes for the rest of the experiment.

And even when the behavior is deliberate, research shows that addressing it tends to have a positive effect for multiple reasons.

Firstly, if people act badly deliberately—such as continuously interrupting someone to keep them out of the conversation—they’re likely to keep doing it as long as it works and has no consequences for them. The moment the spotlight is put on their actions, though, the cost of doing it goes up and makes it less effective. It also holds them accountable and makes them aware that both you and those around you can see what they’re doing.

All this adds up to a social cost that many will find uncomfortable and not worth it. And although people who deliberately misbehave aren’t likely to admit their intentions, or sometimes even make an immediate change, they are likely to change their behavior bit by bit. Especially if we continue to address it.

How to speak up

There’s no one universal rule for how to best speak up in all situations, of course. But the following tend to be the way to go in most cases.

Address it in the moment. A calm word right when it happens ties the correction to the specific behavior and doesn’t give the person a chance to feel like they got away with something. Waiting tends to only encourage the behavior to repeat, and for frustration and resentment to grow, which will make it harder to address it calmly.

Be assertive, not aggressive. These aren't the same thing. Assertiveness states what you need in clear terms delivered in a focused and calm demeanor. Aggressiveness, on the other hand, tends to be characterized by anger, hostility, and an increased volume. Assertiveness encourages collaboration, aggressiveness encourages fights. (Learn more about assertiveness here.)

Meet hostility with calm. Hostility is contagious, and mirroring someone's patronizing, rude, or aggressive tone tends to escalate the situation. Staying calm and focused whenever they are not makes you stand out as the stronger and more mature person.

Name the behavior, not the person. There’s a big difference between saying “That comment came across as dismissive” and “you're being a jerk”. Personal attacks tend to trigger more defensiveness and tend to make people more aggressive and hostile. Letting them know what your experience of their behavior was, on the other hand, can let them save face by insisting that it was unintentional, which makes them far more likely to adjust their behavior since it won’t hurt their pride.

Don’t hint, be specific. Sighs, eye rolls, and passive hints get missed or ignored. Explain in simple terms what you disliked and, if applicable, what you’d prefer instead.

Assume innocence (or at least pretend to). The first time you correct a behavior, it can also be a good idea to express yourself as if you assume they didn’t mean to behave in that way, to make it easier for them to accept the feedback. If the behavior continues, however, it’s often a good idea to drop this assumption.

The bottom line

Most of the time, the two awkward sentences most corrections require cost far less than silence does in the big picture.

The whole trick is knowing when a moment is worth addressing—when someone will be around long enough for the behavior to matter—and then addressing it in the moment it happens in a calm manner.

So the next time someone in your life does something that isn't okay, resist the urge to quietly file it away. Say something simple, calm, and specific in the moment—and notice how much less it costs than you might have expected.

All the best,
TJ

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