How to deal with rude people

Have you ever asked someone a question or made what you thought was a reasonable request, only to get an unwarranted negative response?

Maybe it's openly hostile. Maybe it's dripping with passive-aggression. Or maybe it's just dismissive in a way that makes your blood pressure spike.

This happens to all of us at times, whether it’s from a colleague, friend, family member, or even a stranger. Maybe they’re stressed, having a bad day, or misunderstood you.

Or maybe, just maybe, that’s how they speak to you most of the time.

Either way, most people’s first instinct is often to fire back. To match that negative tone. To show them that they won't be talked to that way.

And that’s, of course, perfectly natural if we’re upset by the way someone talks to us.

But here's the thing: the moment you match their combativeness, you've lost.

The power of refusing to engage in combat.

When someone gives you a combative response to something non-combative, they're essentially inviting you to a fight.

And if they do this on purpose (or, one could argue, by habit), it’s often described as baiting: intentionally provoking someone to elicit an emotional reaction, like anger or stress.

So when you respond emotionally, you’re giving them exactly what they (or their frustrated unconscious) is looking for. And when they experience you as combative, it feels natural—and sometimes even socially acceptable—for them to keep their aggression going.

But what if you didn't take their bait?

What if, instead of angrily or sarcastically saying, “Well, actually …” or “Now you listen here, you little …,” you took a breath and responded as if they hadn't been combative at all?

Might it be hard to do? Feel frustrating and maybe even unfair to respond kindly—or at least neutrally—to someone who is being aggressive? Absolutely.

But this isn’t about “winning” that individual conversation. It’s about changing the way they treat you in the long term.

How to give a non-combative response.

Let's say a colleague, who has promised to finish something you’re waiting for but hasn’t followed through, responds to your polite question about his progress with something like, “Stop nagging me! I'll get to it when I get to it!”

Your emotional brain might want to respond in a similar fashion and tell him, “I wouldn't have to bother you if you'd just done your job!"

But if you do, you’ve given him an excuse to hold on to his attitude—and maybe even delay the task more—since he can now convince himself that you’re being rude and don’t deserve his help.

What if you, instead, responded to his rudeness in a curious, empathetic, or at least neutral tone, saying, “I understand you have a lot on your plate and I’m not trying to add to it. I just realized that the deadline is tomorrow, so I wanted to make sure you hadn’t forgotten, like I did for a moment.”

See how all of a sudden it’s clear that his tone with you is unjustifiable? When you respond politely to his outburst, you show that he is being emotional—and you’re not.

You've also acknowledged his situation, explained your reason for asking, and even offered him an excuse to explain why he hasn’t done the task yet. You've responded to the content of his words, not the tone, which makes it very hard for him to justify continuing to act aggressively.

He might stubbornly stick to his attitude. But even if he does in this conversation, it’ll become increasingly uncomfortable for him to speak to you in that way in the future when he sees that you consistently refuse to take the bait.

Why this actually works.

When you consistently respond to combativeness with calm, logical responses, several things start to happen:

1. ‍You reduce the other person's defensiveness.
   ‍It's hard to stay in fight mode when the other person won't fight back. Their emotional brain starts to calm down because there's no threat to respond to.‍
2. You prevent escalation.
   ‍Combative exchanges tend to spiral. Each response can get a little nastier, more aggressive, more personal, or similar. By refusing to escalate, you break that cycle.‍
3. You actually increase your influence.
   ‍When someone realizes you won't be baited into emotional responses, they start to take you more seriously, at least unconsciously. Your display of emotional intelligence and maturity makes you the adult in the room.‍
4. You protect your own emotional state.
   ‍When you train yourself to respond calmly to conversational aggression, your mind stops switching into "combat mode" every time someone's rude to you. Neuroscience has shown that this literally rewires your brain, eventually making it feel perfectly natural to respond non-aggressively when someone is baiting you.

Changing rude behavior is a marathon, not a sprint.

One thing, above all, is important to remember:

Changing a combative dynamic takes time.

While someone’s tone may change more or less instantly in a conversation when you respond this way, it’s also not uncommon for the change not to be noticeable until we’ve done this several times.

People’s habits, attitudes, or unconscious responses rarely change overnight. But both research and experience show that, eventually, there will be a positive shift in that dynamic if we keep at it.

And while we wait for that to happen, the bonus is that it will be obvious to anyone who observes those interactions that you are the mature and professional one.

That said, this does not apply to toxic or dangerous people.

If someone’s aggression feels like a threat to your safety or if someone’s behavior is strategically toxic in an attempt to break you down, the solution isn’t to carry on with a smile and pretend like nothing is going on.

In these situations, it’s important that we do what we need to do to ensure our safety both in that moment and in the long run.

In the moment, that usually involves removing ourselves from the situation. In the long run, we should remove that person from our lives—or at the very least get a third party involved to help.

It’s not your job to fix broken or bad people.

All the best,

TJ

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