How to actually help someone calm down.

Knowing how to deescalate someone when they start becoming agitated or frustrated in a conversation is a bit of a communication superpower.

Those who master this tend to feel more confident and be more assertive, and they’re also much better at turning disagreements and conflicting opinions into a productive dialogue.

And the great news is that, most of the time, doing it isn’t any more complicated than saying one single sentence:

“It seems like you’re feeling frustrated* by this.”

*or whichever emotion seems accurate.

This is called emotional labeling and is a very well-documented technique in communications, psychology, and neuroscience.

But why does something so simple work so well? And, more importantly, how can we say it without sounding patronizing or presumptuous?

Let’s find out…

Emotional labeling’s effect on our brains.

Dr. Lieberman at UCLA discovered something remarkable with the help of fMRI brain scans:

When we label emotions—our own or someone else's—the “alarm center” of the brain that triggers stress and negative emotions (the amygdala) becomes less active, while the areas related to rational thinking (prefrontal cortex) become more active.

In other words, labeling negative emotions helps get the brain out of fight-flight-or-freeze mode and into rational thinking.

But for this to work, it’s critical that we don’t increase the other person’s negative emotions—or add defensiveness to the mix—by making them feel like we’re attacking or patronizing them.

So…

How to use emotional labeling without sounding patronizing.

Done poorly, emotional labeling can sound condescending or manipulative. Done well, however, it can create an instant sense of understanding and connection.

A great way to reduce the risk that it sounds like we’re telling someone that we know more about their emotions than they do is to not state what they’re feeling—but what we’re experiencing.

So we’re not saying, “you’re obviously frustrated”, but instead sharing how we’re experiencing them by saying something like, “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated” in a curious and calm tone.

This kind of statement achieves several things:

• It explains your interpretation without judging them
• It lets them deny or correct your observation
• It shows you're paying attention to them
• It validates their emotions

That said, even though this is, according to most experts, one of the most effective ways to deescalate someone’s growing frustration, it isn’t a foolproof strategy. (No communication technique ever is.)

Some people, in some situations, will ignore or react negatively to emotional labeling. And if that happens, all we need to do is give them a simple apology for reading them wrong. After that, we either continue the conversation or, if it feels like a good idea, suggest taking a break and coming back to it later.

Practice makes perfect.

Like any communication skill, emotional labeling gets easier with practice. And a good way to practice is to start doing this in low-stakes situations.

When your friend seems frustrated about their commute, try: "Sounds like the traffic was really stressful this morning."

When your partner seems overwhelmed by planning their week, try: "It seems like all these decisions feel a bit overwhelming right now."

And that’s all. Don’t try to fix it, don’t suggest work-arounds or solutions, don’t tell them how they should feel. Just label the feelings you’re seeing in them—calmly, respectfully, and caringly—and pay attention to what happens.

Most people will start to relax and defuse their own emotions—rather than just reacting to them.

So, the next time someone is getting worked up, don't try to calm them down—show them that you see them instead.