Connect more deeply with the help of qualifiers.

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Qualifier questions.

Qualifier questions encourage people to share positive details about themselves or their lives. Think of them as questions that encourage people to brag a little about themselves.

When you ask a qualifier question, you demonstrate a sincere interest in the other person, which often makes them feel seen, heard, and appreciated. And you give them a chance to highlight things they’re proud of and that they might normally not get to talk about very often.

Combining this with positive feedback about the things they share with you is a great way to make them feel seen, respected, and accepted.

Qualifier statements.

Qualifier statements are kind of like compliments that we, in a discrete and indirect way, encourage the other person to live up to.

The goal is to highlight qualities or behaviors that we see in them and appreciate. Doing so tends to encourage them to display those qualities or behaviors when they’re around us, and will often make them feel seen and appreciated for those qualities.

An example.

Let’s say, for example, that during your first interaction with someone fun who seems kind and intelligent, you learn that they’re an elementary school teacher.

While many people might reach for a generic question like, “Do you like teaching kids?”, you could just as easily ask them a much more powerful qualifier question, such as:

• “That’s interesting. What would you say your best qualities as a teacher are?”
• “I love hearing teachers’ stories! What’s your favorite story of a student you helped?”
• “That’s such an important profession. What’s a professional experience or accomplishment you’re proud of?”

These kinds of questions might sometimes get an initial “oh, I don’t know” as an answer. But probe them a little more – kindly and gently – and in most cases, you’ll see people both light up and open up.

Or you could go with a qualifying statement:

• “I love hanging out with teachers, you tend to be so fun and creative.”
• “I so admire the patience and kindness of teachers. It really helps me relax and be myself around them.”
• “That’s great! I love how often I learn something new when I talk to teachers.”

Statements like these, even when they don’t fully fit the person you’re talking to, tend to make people feel good about the way you see them and make them want to live up to those qualities.

Keep it genuine.

Showing an active interest in someone’s positive qualities – or sharing your positive assumptions about them – can help them open up more than they normally would. Which, in turn, tends to create a strong connection.

But remember, the key to this is to be real and honest.

Qualifiers should not be used as manipulative tactics, but should be based on your genuine curiosity about others and an authentic interest in connecting with them.

To make this easy to do, take some time to reflect on what you truly appreciate in others, and start looking for and highlighting those things when you discover them in people.