The 5-minute trick that boosts social confidence

Nina looked at all the people walking down the casino hallway toward the convention center and wondered why she had decided to come.

In truth, she’d wanted to go to this photography convention for a few years. And when she finally bought the ticket, she justified the expense by deciding that it wasn’t just to learn more about her passion—but also to finally meet others who shared it.

However, now that she was looking at a sea of strangers, the idea of just walking up to any of them to chat seemed far-fetched, to say the least. She’d never been very good or comfortable with stuff like that.

Nina turned around and walked in the opposite direction. She flashed a slightly embarrassed smile at one person she passed. Said a quiet “hello” to another. And an “excuse me” to a third who was blocking her path.

She saw a small convenience store and went inside to get some mints and her favorite candy bar. “Busy here today, huh?” she asked the cashier, who told her that there was some sort of convention going on. She told him that’s why she was there and wished him a good day as she left.

She saw a row of upscale stores around the next corner. An art store caught her eye, and she wandered in. It was mostly empty, so even though she wasn’t buying anything, the employee was more than happy to spend a few minutes answering her questions about some of the pieces.

After taking a picture of a painting she wanted to try to recreate as a photo—with the employee’s permission—she thanked him for his time and left.

Walking back the way she originally came, she asked someone the way to the convention hall—even though she already knew the answer. And when she got to the line into the convention, she asked a nearby staffer how long the wait was. He assured her she’d be inside in a few minutes.

Standing in line, she noticed three excited women around her age get in line behind her. She gave them a polite smile over her shoulder. “First time here?” she heard herself asking. It was. It was hers too, she told them, and before she knew it, they spent the ten minutes in line discussing what they were most excited about and made plans to meet up for lunch later.

How Nina boosted her social confidence

This was the story of a friend of mine who, unbeknownst to me, had watched my Confident Communication course a couple of weeks earlier. One of her biggest takeaways from it? The concept of warming up for social situations.

We all, hopefully, know that warming up is a good idea if we’re going to do something athletic, like running a hundred-yard dash at full speed. Not only are we much less likely to pull a muscle, but our results will also be a lot better.

And it turns out that the same is true for social situations. Not so much the pulled muscle, maybe, but definitely our levels of discomfort and our results.

By warming up our “social muscles” before heading into a situation where our social skills are needed, it becomes a lot easier to step outside of our comfort zone, and we’ll do a better job communicating as well.

When Nina turned to walk away from the convention, she wasn’t trying to escape. She was seeking out ways to warm up that were comfortable enough that she knew she’d be able to do it. And the more she did, the easier it became to do more.

According to her, the first nod and “hello” felt much more stressful than asking the store manager to take a photo of an art piece so she could recreate it. And when it was time to do what she came there to do—have real conversations with fellow photographers—she did it almost without a second thought.

She had gotten out of her own head, reminded herself through experience that interacting with strangers was safe, and built social momentum. And it enabled her to much more easily, and more naturally, use her social skills to connect with the group she met in line.

So the advice is simple. Before going into social situations that make you feel stressed or nervous, seek out quick exchanges or short conversations with multiple people in a short span of time.

Whether it’s strangers on the street, employees at a store, or whatever else doesn’t matter—in fact, sometimes even a couple of quick phone calls with people you haven’t talked to in a while can do the trick.

Pretty much anything that gets you out of your head and gets your vocal cords moving will help. And all you need to do is keep seeking out those safe-feeling interactions until you suddenly find yourself able to fully engage in whatever way you want to.

I’ve been taking people through this exercise for almost 20 years now, and it is—by far—the best way I’ve found to get people over that internal resistance that tends to build when we get stuck in our own heads, with our own fears and insecurities.

All the best,
TJ

PS: Nina is a pseudonym, and this story was shared with her approval.

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