Boundaries: Three levels to help you discover and communicate yours.

Setting boundaries can, at times, be hard.

And it's even harder if you feel unsure about what your boundaries are, or how to explain them.

Luckily, there's a simple 3-level framework that can help with both those challenges!

Check out the video for this framework below, or scroll down for an article if you prefer text over video.

3 levels of boundaries.

My framework sorts boundaries into three levels of importance.

Starting at the least important and working our way up, these levels are: Wants, Needs, and Hard Boundaries.

Although these might sound self-explanatory, let me define each of them with a few examples of what they might look like, to make sure that we’re on the same page.

Our Wants.

Our Wants are the things that we would like to have, but that are not critically important for the relationship or our own well-being.

You can think of our Wants as candy, or ice cream, or whatever your favorite non-critical food item is. It’s something you might want, but if you don’t get it you’ll be fine.

So in a business partnership, for example, you might want your partner to read the same educational books as you or bring their laptop with them on their much-deserved vacation—but if they don’t, you’re not going to end the partnership over it.

Our Needs.

Needs are the things that you can’t go without in the relationship, but that you don’t necessarily need all the time. So you might be willing to forego them under certain circumstances and for a limited time, if asked.

Needs are like food. You do need food on a regular basis to survive, but you can go some time without it if you choose to.

It might not be enjoyable, but it’s something you’re willing to do for a greater goal, to take care of your partner, or other such reasons.

As an example, you might need your colleague to be reliable and supportive, and for your romantic partner to be affectionate.

But if they’re temporarily under a lot of pressure and stress, going through a traumatic experience, or anything else that understandably makes it hard for them to fulfill that need for a limited time, that might be ok.

Our Hard Boundaries.

Hard Boundaries are the things that have to be present, respected, and upheld in a relationship at all times.

To continue the simile with physiological needs, our hard boundaries are like air. Take away our air, and odds are that things will go bad pretty fast.

So you might have hard boundaries around things like loyalty, dishonesty, faithfulness, safety and security, or whatever else. And if someone breaks those boundaries, it will often be enough to end the relationship.

Finding your boundaries.

Now, keep in mind that all the above are just examples.

Your wants, needs, and hard boundaries are highly individual and should only be based on what’s right for you. Never base your boundaries on what’s right for other people or what other people think your boundaries should be.

Your boundaries might also be different from relationship to relationship. Something that is a want with one person might be a need with another, and that’s ok. There are no universal rules here.

So, here’s your exercise.

Set aside time to write down your wants, needs, and hard boundaries for the important relationships in your life. Especially the ones where establishing them sounds like a good idea in order to more easily preserve and improve the relationship.

When you do, it’s important that you’re very honest with yourself about the things that you put into the Needs and Hard Boundaries categories.

Remember that this is not about controlling others or “getting your way”. These are things that can significantly affect—and even end—relationships, so make sure they’re real and in the correct category.

After you’ve written everything down, it can be a good idea to leave your lists alone for a few days. Then, double-check them when you’re in a different mood than you were when you first wrote them.

You see, our wants, needs, and hard boundaries can easily be influenced by our mood.

When we’re happy and carefree, it can be easy to underestimate the importance of things, and when we feel upset, stressed, anxious, or similar, it can be easy to overestimate them.

When you feel confident that the things you’ve written down are accurate and in the right categories, it’s time to share them with those they apply to.

Now, it’s beyond the scope of this article to cover all of the details about how to do that, but here are my most important tips:

1. Schedule the conversations by letting people know that you’d love to sit down and talk about how the two of you can be the best -whatever you are- to each other.
2. If it feels appropriate, you can share these categories (or this article) with them to let them know how you’re approaching the conversation and invite them to do the same.
3. Share your lists with each other, and then take turns discussing each of your wants, needs, and hard boundaries.  Make sure to be open to answering and talking honestly and openly about anything that comes up.
4. If the other person isn’t ready to share theirs, whether because they haven’t prepared or feel nervous about it, it’s ok for you to go through your lists and schedule another time to talk about theirs.
5. Lastly, please keep in mind that our goal should be to make this a positive, maybe even fun and exciting, conversation.

Again, this isn’t about being firm and strict and “laying down the law” with people.

It’s a conversation between two people who play a significant role in each other’s lives, meant to help both of you learn how you can create even more collaboration, trust, comfort, love, or whatever else that is relevant for that relationship.