How to communicate better in emotional situations

How do you communicate when you’re stressed? How about when you’re exhausted? Or excited?

Most of us know that when emotions run high, our communication can suffer.

But few people have actually taken the time to figure out how they communicate differently in various emotional states.

And since addressing our least ideal communication patterns is what tends to create the biggest improvements in our overall results, that’s an oversight worth correcting.

First, identify your triggers

All sorts of things can affect how we communicate.

Stress is an obvious one, but sadness, anger, frustration, and even positive emotions like excitement, joy, or attraction can pull us out of our usual communication style too. 

A few typical examples:

• Excitement can make us over-promise or accidentally talk over others. 
• Annoyance and frustration can trigger passive-aggressiveness.
• Sadness can make us quiet and disconnected.
• Exhaustion can make us temperamental.

The list goes on, and the exact effects vary from person to person.

To identify how the various emotions tend to affect your communication, I recommend a combination of self-observation and reflection, and asking trusted people who know you well for their input.

It’s also important to note that our state of mind isn’t the only thing that can affect how we communicate. Another factor that often plays a part is how confident we feel about our ability to handle the situation we’re in.

To show what I mean, I’ll share two examples from my own life. Both of them involved a high level of stress, but in one, I had no idea what to do, while in the other, I did.

Examples: The vet and the windstorm

The vet: When I'm stressed and don't know what to do.

One of our cats had been getting treatments for an illness for a while, when she suddenly took a turn for the worse. I had no idea what was going on or what the next step was, so I grabbed the phone to call our veterinarian.

Had I been calm enough to think clearly, I would’ve taken a few moments to organize my thoughts about what had happened and in what order, how our cat was doing now, and what my questions were.

Instead, I information-dumped every detail I could think of in whatever order I thought of them, jumping back and forth between them, and repeating myself several times, until the vet eventually cut me off and told me to bring our cat in so she could see the symptoms herself.

And that's my pattern when I'm stressed and uncertain, afraid, or confused. I use far more words than necessary, structure my thoughts less, lose my focus, and lose my assertiveness.

It doesn’t happen every time I feel like this—and luckily I don’t feel like this very often—but looking back at similar situations, the pattern is clear.

The windstorm: When I'm stressed and know what to do.

I was camping with a large group of friends when we were suddenly hit by a 45 mph windstorm.

Having spent a lot of my life out in nature, I had set my camp up to survive (almost) whatever nature might throw at us. But many of my campmates had not.

As the winds hit, tents started buckling, support beams started breaking, and a lot of things went wrong very fast. I grabbed my tools, ratchet straps, and lag bolts, and rushed out to help.

Knowing exactly what needed to be done—but feeling very stressed about whether we’d have time to do it—I lost all sense of patience, gentleness, and empathy. 

I became short and sharp. Loudly barking out instructions to whoever happened to be near me. Not once did I ask if someone could help—or check if they wanted me to help, for that matter.

This time, though, I eventually noticed how I was communicating, likely thanks to being more aware of how I act when I feel like I can take charge than when I don’t.

Catching myself didn’t change how I communicated, though. The stress and genuine need for fast and firm action would’ve likely made me unable to change that even if I’d wanted to try. But it did make me able to counteract the potential negative consequences of my behavior.

Kneeling down to fasten a lag bolt, surrounded by people who were helping hold down the tent, I barked, “I don’t mean to sound aggressive, I’m just trying to be efficient!” To which one of my friends responded, “Clear instructions! Got it! Keep going!”

That’s all it took for me to know that, even if some might not like it, everyone around me knew what my intentions were, even though I was acting very out of character.

So that's my other pattern. When I'm stressed and I know what needs to happen, I can come across as bossy, aggressive, or even inconsiderate—even though I don't mean to.

Second, prepare and practice

My stressful ramblings while worried about my beloved pet are completely understandable, of course, even if it’s inefficient. And short, firm, and clear instructions in a potential crisis situation are often considered the correct way to communicate.

But even if they’re understandable or correct, they can still create unnecessary friction if the people you’re talking to are experiencing the situation differently than you are.

I know from follow-up conversations, for example, that at least two of my campmates were experiencing fear and helplessness, and the way I spoke to them didn’t exactly help—at first.

But by taking two seconds to explain my sudden change in communication style, I put their minds at ease. One of them later told me, “That’s why I didn’t run away and hide”.

And that’s why it’s important to be familiar with how elevated emotions affect your communication.

It allows you to prepare and practice for predictable situations, and increases the likelihood that you’ll catch yourself in the unpredictable ones.

You can also use this knowledge to prepare others in advance of situations where it might become relevant. 

Something as simple as saying, "Hey, just so you know, when I feel X, I can come across as Y. I don't mean it that way, I’m just trying to manage the situation," can make a world of difference.

This kind of preemptive self-disclosure builds trust, prevents misunderstandings, and makes it easier for the people around you to know how to interpret you and your communication in those kinds of situations.

Your exercise

Take a few minutes to think about which emotions often make you communicate in less ideal ways—stress, sadness, excitement, etc? And what does that communication actually look like? Does it depend on what’s going on or what kind of situation it is? Or is it universally true for that emotion?

Then make it a habit to reflect back after you’ve been through emotional situations, and get feedback from trusted people who were there. 

This will help you identify your most problematic patterns and let you plan for and practice how to overcome them, as well as decide what to say to others to counteract them when they do happen (because they will).

The more clearly you understand your own patterns, the better equipped you’ll be to prevent them from negatively affecting your communication.

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PS: Want to learn more about good communication? Check out communication.tjswebsite.com and assertiveness.tjswebsite.com for free access to two of my LinkedIn Learning courses.